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2026 Season

WEEK 6 RANKINGS

· 7 min read

Another week, another NFL slate! Welcome to Week 6 fellas – some of us are feeling like this shit is easy, some of us are sending texts like, “fantasy is fucking dumb anyways….” let’s get into the rankings:

MATCHUP OF THE WEEK ALERT:

Lance Taylor (4-1) vs Giovanni Franzese (4-1)

1. Smack ’em and Sack ’em – Lance Taylor

Record: 4-1 / PF: 693 / W5 Result: Win against Drake

If Lance were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with George Kittle.

I was thinking:

  • 😂 Big personality. Kittle always seems like he’s having more fun than everybody else.
  • ⚡ High energy. Very little chill when the competitive switch flips.
  • 🗣️ Would absolutely talk trash, but in a way that’s more funny than legitimately hostile.
  • 🤝 Ultimate boys’ guy energy. Feels like somebody who would be an absolute menace in a group chat.
  • 🏈 Competitive as hell underneath the goofiness. That was the biggest connection.
  • 🎲 Unpredictable energy. You’re never totally sure what you’re getting, but it probably won’t be boring.

2. Dak Lives Matter – Giovanni Franzese

Record: 4-1 / PF: 658 / W5 Result: Lost to Reed

If Gio were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with CeeDee Lamb.

I was thinking:

  • 😎 Natural swagger. He doesn’t have to manufacture confidence. It’s just there.
  • 🎯 Calculated competitor. Less chaotic than Lance. Gio feels like he wants to quietly handle business first.
  • 🗣️ Strategic trash talker. Not necessarily blowing up the group chat before the matchup. He’s waiting until he has you dead to rights.
  • ✨ Smooth operator. There’s something polished about the Gio vibe. Never looks like he’s trying too hard.
  • 😏 Sneaky cocky. He might act humble, but deep down he absolutely believes he’s better than you.
  • 🏆 Winning makes him increasingly dangerous. The more successful he gets, the more unbearable I imagine the confidence becoming.

3. Four Guys Burgers and Fries – Jared Reiss

Record: 4-1 / PF: 590 / W5 Result: Win against Dave

If JR were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Jaxon Smith-Njigba.

I was thinking:

  • ⚡ Explosive energy. Can suddenly take over.
  • 😂 Mischievous. Definitely enjoys stirring the pot.
  • 😎 Quietly confident without constantly announcing it.
  • 🎯 Sneaky competitive. Probably cares more about winning than he lets on.
  • 📈 Gets louder when he starts winning. Momentum changes everything.
  • 💥Can flip a matchup quickly. His whole vibe feels like things can go from normal to “oh fuck, JR is cooking” very quickly.

4. Life Beings at Concepcion – Reed Pike

Record: 3-2 / PF: 633 / W5 Result: Win against Gio

If Reed were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Josh Allen.

I was thinking:

  • 🦬 Big personality energy. Reed feels like someone whose presence is pretty noticeable in the group.
  • 😂 Goofy but competitive. Can joke around all day, but once there’s something to win, that changes quickly.
  • 🎲 Embraces a little chaos. Not everything needs to be done the safe or conventional way.
  • 😎 Confident without being overly serious. Has swagger but can still laugh at himself.
  • 💥 All-or-nothing tendencies. Feels like Reed would rather go for the kill than quietly play it safe.
  • 🗣️ Elite group-chat potential. Whether things are going amazingly or terribly, you’re probably getting entertainment.

5. Dave’s Washington Commandeses – Dave Carney

Record: 3-2 / PF: 585 / W5 Result: Lost to JR

If Dave were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Terry McLaurin.

I was thinking:

  • 🫡 No-nonsense competitor. Shows up, handles business, doesn’t need a huge production around it.
  • 🧠 Steady and reliable. You generally know what you’re getting from Dave.
  • 😎 Low-key confidence. Not necessarily the loudest guy, but definitely believes in himself.
  • 🗣️ Selective trash talker. Won’t spam the chat, but when he does fire one off, it probably lands.
  • 🪨 Veteran presence. Gives off the vibe of someone who’s seen enough bullshit that very little surprises him anymore.
  • 😂 Sneaky funny. Not constant chaos like Lance, but capable of coming out of nowhere with something hilarious.

6. Shough My Caulk – Quin Davis

Record: 4-1 / PF: 653 / W5 Result: Lost to Evan

If Quin were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Ray Rice.

I was thinking:

  • 😈 Bad Guy

7. Rice to Remain Silent – Jacob Odenweller

Record: 2-3 / PF: 627 / W5 Result: Win against Dillon

If Jake were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Patrick Mahomes.

I was thinking:

  • 🧠 Clever as hell. Jake gives me the vibe of someone who’s always thinking one step ahead.
  • 😏 Knows he’s good. There’s definitely some confidence there, even if he isn’t constantly announcing it.
  • 🎲 Likes improvising. Willing to try some ridiculous shit just because he thinks he can pull it off.
  • 🗣️ Competitive trash talker. If Jake has you beat, I imagine you’re going to hear about it.
  • 🪄 Gets away with bullshit. Somehow something that looks like a terrible idea ends up working perfectly.
  • 🏆 Expects to be in contention. Doesn’t enter the season hoping to be respectable. He expects to win.

8. Griddy Griddy Bang Bang – Preston Karr

Record: 3-2 / PF: 532 / W5 Result: Lost to Andrew

If Preston were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Kenneth Walker III.

I was thinking:

  • 😌 Pretty laid-back. Doesn’t need to be the center of attention.
  • 🧊 Even-keeled personality. More steady than chaotic.
  • 💪 Quietly tough. Not a lot of theatrics, just handles his business.
  • 🎯 Competitive without broadcasting it. Definitely wants to win, just doesn’t need to make a whole production out of it.
  • 😏 Understated confidence. Gives off “I know what I’m capable of” energy.
  • 💥 Sneakily explosive. Can go from relatively unnoticed to suddenly being the guy everybody’s talking about.

9. #qdaddywho – Evan “Spencer” Tooley

Record: 1-4 / PF: 487 / W5 Result: Win against Quin

If Evan were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Brock Bowers.

I was thinking:

  • 🐍 Sneaky operator. Evan gives me the vibe that there’s always a little more going on than he’s letting you know.
  • 😏 Suspiciously calm. If everybody else is panicking and Evan is smiling, I’m immediately checking what he knows.
  • 🤝 Trade-negotiation menace. Feels like he’d offer you a deal that looks reasonable until three days later when you realize you got fleeced.
  • 🧠 Loophole mentality. Not necessarily breaking the rules, just interpreting them very creatively.
  • 😂 Plays innocent afterward. “What? You agreed to the trade. I don’t know what you want me to say.”
  • 🕶️ Low-key shady, not evil. You still invite him to the draft. You just double-check everything he tells you.

10. Bust Down AP – Andrew Arney

Record: 1-4 / PF: 528 / W5 Result: Win against Preston

If Andrew were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Puka Nacua.

I was thinking:

  • 🐶 Golden-retriever energy. Andrew feels like somebody who’s generally just happy to be involved.
  • 😂 Sneaky hilarious. Might not dominate every conversation, but can absolutely drop something out of nowhere that kills the room.
  • 💪 Way more competitive than he initially appears. Chill demeanor, but he definitely wants to win.
  • 🤝 Easy guy to root for. Doesn’t naturally give off league-villain energy.
  • 💥 Sneakily dangerous. You can overlook him for a second and suddenly realize he’s cooking you.
  • 😎 Doesn’t need the spotlight. Comfortable just doing his thing while some of the louder personalities create the chaos.

11. Hakuna Nacua – Dillon Reisinger

Record: 1-4 / PF: 543 / W5 Result: Lost to Jake

If Dillon were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Michael Sam.

I was thinking:

  • 😏 Sneakily confident.
  • 💥 Sassy to the max!
  • 🫡 Submissive and compliant.
  • 🧠 Clever – able to hide his TRUE intentions.

12. Charlie’s Jacksoffs – Drake Olson

Record: 0-5 / PF: 578 / W5 Result: Lost to Lance

If Drake were an NFL player, what NFL player would he be?

I’m going with Nathan Peterman.

I was thinking:

  • 🎯 Elite confidence-to-results imbalance. The belief is there. The execution may not be.
  • 🎁 Generous to opponents. Always willing to give the other side an unexpected opportunity.
  • 📉 Disaster potential. Things can go sideways rapidly.
  • 😂 Accidentally entertaining. Even when it’s going terribly, you cannot look away.
  • 🧠 Unexplained persistence. No matter what happened last week, somehow Drake is back believing again.
  • 🐐 Legendary for the wrong reasons. Sometimes greatness isn’t about being the best. It’s about being unforgettable.

NFL PLAYER COMP TD PARLAY:

George Kittle ATTD / CeeDee Lamb ATTD / Jaxon Smith-Njigba ATTD / Josh Allen ATTD / Terry McLaurin ATTD / Patrick Mahomes ATTD (or 2+ passing TDs) / Kenneth Walker ATTD / Brock Bowers ATTD / Puka Nacua ATTD

Parlay Odds with Mahomes Rushing TD (doesn’t include Kittle or Terry on MNF – odds not released yet): +18368 ($10 to win $1,846)

Parlay Odds with Mahomes 2+ pass TD (doesn’t include Kittle or Terry on MNF – odds not released yet): +6363 ($10 to win $646)

Cheers,

Commish