Hello ladies! Week 5 already, what a rush. It’s officially time to start declaring some of (a lot of) these players bums. A month into the season and we’re starting to see who is rising to the top, and who is sinking to the bottom. There’s time enough to turn it around, but it’s gotta start NOW! Let’s get into the rankings:
1. Dak Lives Matter – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 4-0 / PF: 547 / Week 5 Matchup: Reed Pike
Sneaky Star: Parker Washington
Surprising Bust: AJ Brown (injured – not really a bust)
Gio is off to a blazing start this season – it seems everything he touches turns to gold. Some great pickups, reinforcements coming back from injury, and a high upside trade for Saquon Barkley has this team absolutely humming. Every player on this roster can go off for 20+ (some of them 30+ or 40+) and it’s not going to be fun lining up against this team. The advanced metrics for this team suggest that Gio is well on his way to tasting the sweet dried cum of the BK Fantasy Trophy for the first time. It would be an absolute shame if multiple players on this team starting getting seriously injured. Well done so far brother!
2. Dave’s Washington Commandeses – Dave Carney
Record: 3-1 / PF: 483 / Week 5 Matchup: Jared Reiss
Sneaky Star: Brock Purdy
Surprising Bust: Jameson Williams
Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Dave! Rising up the ranks, and deservedly so. After a squeaker of a win against Lance in week 4, Dave is looking to keep riding high against another tough opponent this week. He has benefited from some big performances from players like Henry and CeeDee, and he’ll need to find a bit more balance from the rest of his squad, but we’ve seen Dave make noise because of 2-3 players before and he can do it again. And the analysts aren’t just saying this because Dave was able to build the league a new website…..That is NOT what this is about. PLEASE PICK UP A FUCKING COMMANDER!
3. Herb Your Enthusiasm – Quin Davis
Record: Who Cares (it’s 4-0) / PF: A Gazillion / Week 5 Matchup: The Entire League vs Me
4. Smack ’em and Sack ’em – Lance Taylor
Record: 3-1 / PF: 531 / Week 5 Matchup: Drake Olson
Sneaky Star: Christian Watson
Surprising Bust: Michael Pittman Jr.
Lance lost his first game of the season last week, but he still scored over 130 points and Drake Maye looked like he remembered how to play QB which is HUGE. The JSN, Watson, Flowers, Deebo combo might just be the most dangerous in the league – and it seems that even though Breece Hall is set to miss a few weeks, Kamara is going to get enough 2 yard dump offs to plug right into this lineup. I haven’t seen Lance’s face in like 10 months but I’m sure it’s just as beautiful as ever. Give me the Cornhuskers +7.5 this week against Indiana and SPRINKLE on the Moneyline.
5. Four Guys Burgers and Fries – Jared Reiss
Record: 3-1 / PF: 476 / Week 5 Matchup: Dave Carney
Sneaky Star: Juwan Johnson
Surprising Bust: Ladd McConkey
DON’T LOOK NOW – but JR might be off to his best start in years. The Asian Invasion could be upon us for a 3rd goddamn time, because this team looks like it could beat anyone in any given week. I’m officially declaring Chris Olave the Garbage King for this season, as he continues to pile up catches and yards in the final drives of games. George Kittle looks even better than he did pre-injury, James Cook is heating up, and Chase Brown is going to catch a billion passes this season. If JD4 can just not snap his fucking arm in half, and if Ladd can get his head out of his ass, this team has some insane depth. Don’t let this kid sneak up behind you!
6. Life Begins at Concepcion – Reed Pike
Record: 2-2 / PF: 496 / Week 5 Matchup: Giovanni Franzese
Sneaky Star: Matthew Golden
Surprising Bust: George Pickens
Reed Pike walks where the bright lights glow,
Through New York streets that never move slow.
Past yellow cabs and skylines tall,
He finds a rhythm within it all.
From morning rush to midnight view,
The city hums a tune he knew.
A New York dream beneath the sky,
One step at a time for this great guy.
7. Griddy Griddy Bang Bang – Preston Karr
Record: 3-1 / PF: 425 / Week 5 Matchup: Andrew Arney
Sneaky Star: Sam LaPorta
Surprising Bust: Omarion Hampton
Preston, you’re 3-1 which is awesome, that’s a damn good start Year 1 in the league. But fuck me bro…this team could score 80 points any given week. Marv is a piece of shit, Hampton has sucked dick, Hurts is falling apart, Dobbins blows, etc. etc. BUT the good news is that at the same time, you have a lot of upside players like Jettas, Wilson, Caleb, LaPorta, Judkins (on a good Browns team?! Are they fucking good?!). Couple of guys pull their heads out of their ass and you should be in a great spot, the fact that you’re 3-1 right now should feel like Christmas morning…someone has been saying their bedtime prayers to the Fantasy Gods!
8. Hakuna Nacua – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 1-3 / PF: 424 / Week 5 Matchup: Jake Odenweller
Sneaky Star: Denzel Boston
Surprising Bust: Colston Loveland
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK ALERT!
I’M PUTTING THIS OUT THERE – The analysts are extremely bullish on Dillon’s team. Last week we got a peak of what this team can be when healthy, and my god it looked scary. Kyren is and always has been the lead back in LA, Tuten is officially the horse in Jacksonville, Nico and Puka are GOOD AT FOOTBALL, and Loveland is slowly working his way back (if this guy starts to live up to the preseason hype…whoa). Boston and Monangai are amazing bench pieces as well – I still don’t like Massive Calves though. This team may have started the year looking like a steaming pile of shit, but I can confidently say that Dillon is back. Don’t blow your head off just yet pal!
9. Rice to Remain Silent – Jake Odenweller
Record: 1-3 / PF: 458 / Week 5 Matchup: Dillon Reisinger
Sneaky Star: Michael Wilson
Surprising Bust: Rashee Rice
MATCHUP OF THE WEEK ALERT!
Jake vs Dillon, Dillon vs Jake, Retard vs Faggot – WE GOT A GOOD ONE THIS WEEK FOLKS! Last week Jake’s team once again showed that projections really don’t mean shit, as they failed to eclipse 100 points after being projected for over 130. As this week roles around, will we see a repeat of this disappointing performance?! The analysts don’t think so. Goff, Wilson, McBride, Warren, and Adams all have TASTY matchups this week and could carry Jake to a much needed win. Both teams in this matchup look a lot better than their record, but someone is going to fall to 1-4 while the other climbs to 2-3, a season defining difference. Get your popcorn ready!
10. Bust Down AP – Andrew Arney
Record: 0-4 / PF: 408 / Week 5 Matchup: Preston Karr
Sneaky Star: Devaughn Vele
Surprising Bust: Jaylen Waddle
Andrew, my ______, what a heart breaking loss last week. It’s rare to score 140 and lose, but you found a way, and for that I applaud you. This is another team that I really think is better than the story tells. JT is obviously JT, but the London/Nabers/Waddle stack could feed families if they are all able to keep hitting on the same weeks. Kyler Murray is still absolute dogshit, but we saw what this team can be and that has to give Andrew some hope. He NEEDS a win this week to keep away from that scary “season is basically over” territory, and the analysts think that he will find himself at 1-4 this time next week.
11. Get on all 4’s and Bark – Evan Tooley/Shadow GM
Record: 0-4 / PF: 364 / Week 5 Matchup: Quin Davis
Sneaky Star: Carnell Tate
Surprising Bust: Emeka Egbuka
UPSET OF THE WEEK ALERT! Evan over Quin.
Achane dead? Saquon fucking awful? DOESN’T MATTER, Evan (Shadow GM) will find a way to give this roster a facelift. The acquisitions of Bucky, Aaron Jones, and Braelon Allen aren’t long term solutions, but damn….those are some solid short term solutions for a team that needs to win NOW. Evan hasn’t had an original thought pertaining to fantasy football maybe ever, but his Shadow GM is working some miracles behind closed curtains. Honestly…don’t let this team get hot, because if they do, they could win 3-4 games this season.
12. Charlie’s Jacksoffs – Drake Olson
Record: 0-4 / PF: 448 / Week 5 Matchup: Lance Taylor
Sneaky Star: Emmanuel Wilson
Surprising Bust: David Montgomery
Cheers,
Commish