WEEK 7 HERE WE GOOOOOOOO! The cream is starting to rise to the top, and the pretenders are starting to be exposed. We have a few teams that are trying to shock the league and crawl back into contention, and we have a few teams that are absolutely fucking DEAD. Rankings time:
1. Smack ’em and Sack ’em – Lance Taylor
Record: 5-1 / PF: 805 / W6 Result: Win against Gio
In the matchup of the week, Sir Lancelot was able to defeat a heavy hitter in Gio. Lance said FUCK A TIGHT END, I DON’T NEED IT, as he started TJ Hockenson who was on a bye. Even with a man down, Lance was able to pull out a close victory against a 4-1 opponent, setting him up with a 2 game win streak, a division lead, and a league leading 805 points scored. Christian Watson has arguably been the MVP of the entire fantasy season so far for where he was drafted, and Lance will get some reinforcements back this week with Breece Hall potentially getting back on the field. With how bad Maye started off the season, and how shitty Jeanty has been recently, it’s pretty scary to see Lance sitting at 5-1. But despite the great fantasy season, the only thing on Lance’s mind is THE OHIO STATE BUCKEYES! O-H! I-O! NICK MARSH IS A TERRORIST!
2. Life Begins at Concepcion – Reed Pike
Record: 4-2 / PF: 759 / W6 Result: Win against JR
In the words of Reed, “This was my first down week and my loss to Dave was unfortunate, but I believe I have a playoff team this year,” Reed Pike after his Week 2 loss to Dave Carney. Since then, Reed has gone 3-1 and is looking to prove he’s more than just a Bartender with a degree from NYU. A week with Gibbs on a bye usually spells a loss for most people, but this isn’t most people! He was able to take down JR last week thanks to huge performances from Tre Tucker and Matthew “please daddy give me a” Golden “shower” – He’ll have his work cut out for him this week as he takes on the spawn of Jeffery Epstein and Lindsay Clancy. This kid might be a contender!
3. Shough My Caulk – Quin Davis
Record: 5-1 / PF: 782 / W6 Result: Win against Dave
New name, new me!
4. Dak Lives Matter – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 4-2 / PF: 759 / W6 Result: Loss against Lance
A two game losing streak might make a lesser man panic, but not this guy. He was battling adversity before the season even started with Bowers and AJ both getting injured to begin his 2026 campaign. How did he respond? By starting 4-0 and grabbing the attention of the analysts. A loss to Lance is what’s called a Quality Loss – the SEC knows all about that, so you can’t knock him down the rankings too much. With that being said, Gio does need to get back to his winning ways in order to avoid a three game skid. A matchup against Preston could be just what the doctor ordered, as the current projections have him as a 20 point favorite. We did just see Auburn beat Georgia, and the Titans beat the Colts, so anything can happen, but I’d bet on this ship getting turned in the right direction.
5. Four Guys Burgers and Fries – Jared Reiss
Record: 4-2 / PF: 691 / W6 Result: Loss against Reed
THIS IS THE HARDEST TEAM TO RANK IN THE ENTIRE LEAGUE! Is this team good? Is this team mid? Is this team absolutely awful? It remains to be seen. I am SHOCKED that Ladd McConkey is still rostered, but at the same time JR has Charbonnet coming back which could prove to be a really nice addition to the lineup. Is Omar Cooper the missing piece? Maybe this guy just needed a Jet on his team to start going on an insane winning streak. If he’s able to take down Lance without JD4 and James Cook it would be a massive upset, but it could be just the thing needed to spark a conversation about JR being a serious title contender.
6. Dave’s Washington Commandeses – Dave Carney
Record: 3-3 / PF: 649 / W6 Result: Loss against Hitler
If Dave as playing golf instead of fantasy football, 63 would be an unbelievable score! Unfortunately, he was playing fantasy football. Double 0’s in the lineup is never a recipe for success and it might officially be panic time for Cam Skattebo owners. The analysts are always backing the Commandeses, they have stock in the Commandeses, but the Commandeses made them look awfully stupid last week…Dave does have the chance to officially Old Yeller Jake this week, but it’s going to be an uphill battle. This team is in danger of dropping from the top to the dead bottom if another sub 100 performance is turned in.
7. #qdaddywho – Evan Tooley
Record: 2-4 / PF: 602 / W6 Result: Win against Jake
GAME OF THE WEEK ALERT
Some people (Evan) are saying this team is back. Some people (Evan) are saying they FLEECED a couple of dummies in previous trades. Some people (Evan) couldn’t name 4 players on his own team. The analysts have to admit though, this team is back from the fucking dead. Evan’s week 7 matchup against Andrew has been deemed the GAME OF THE WEEK, as the analysts have the winner of this game making a serious playoff push, while the loser will be deader than dead. No one is safe if Evan wins three in a row – and this team has the firepower to do so. KEEP YOUR DOORS LOCKED AND YOUR GC ON SILENT!
8. Rice to Remain Silent – Jake Odenweller
Record: 2-4 / PF: 723 / W6 Result: Loss against Evan
9. Bust Down AP – Andrew Arney
Record: 2-4 / PF: 633 / W6 Result: Win Against Dillon
GAME OF THE WEEK ALERT
“Dillon what happeneduhhhhh last time I check the app I had like 10% chance” -Andrew Arney
Wow, what a win from Andrew. On the brink of being fucking deceased, he was able to clutch up and get a win that keeps his season alive. Don’t look now, but the abuser is back on the field! Josh Jacobs adds an interesting layer for this team, and on paper they look like a pretty “dangerous” bunch. With a win this week, the analysts truly think that Andrew could wiggle his way into a playoff spot. THIS DUDE HAS $100 OF FUCKING FAAB LEFT STILL, just pisses me off.
10. Griddy Griddy Bang Bang – Preston Karr
Record: 3-3 / PF: 610 / W6 Result: Loss against Drake
Much like Dave, a score of 77 would be an insane round of golf, BUT THIS IS FANTASY FOOTBALL NOT GOLF. Omarion Hampton is an absolute cancer, but luckily Preston has Ollie Gordon to fill in and he doesn’t actually look half bad. Hell, even JK Dobbins is a fine replacement for that bum Hampton. With Jettas, Wilson, and Caleb Williams back from injury, this team still has the fire power to get him back to his winning ways. More important that fantasy football, Preston provided us with maybe the quote of the year so far when he answered the question “WHO THE FUCK IS MICHAEL SAM” with, “Black”
11. Charlie’s Jacksoffs – Drake Olson
Record: 1-5 / PF: 684 / W6 Result: Win against Preston
OUT OF THE CELLAR! OUT OF THE CELLAR! OUT OF THE CELLAR! Look you gotta hand it to Drake, he has gotten screwed a bit with scheduling this year as he’s in the top half of points scored but tied for the worst record. Also, Drake stays ACTIVE on the wire and has made some pretty solid pickups. This guy isn’t looking to win it all, he’s already done that you fucking idiots, he’s looking to carry on the tradition of finishing 6-8. I do think he can do 5-3 the rest of the season, and his LOFTY goal of finishing 2 games under .500 can be accomplished. Great job buddy.
12. Hakuna Nacua – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 1-5 / PF: 645 / W6 Result: Loss against Andrew
For a team with a 130 point projection this week, 1-5 probably doesn’t sit right with the defending champ. The analysts know the rankings are one of like three things Dillon looks forward to when he unfortunately wakes up every morning, so they are hoping this bottom spot doesn’t send him on a trip to the Home Depot rope section. But who gives a fuck right Dillon? You got that beautiful trophy sitting at home just waiting to be covered in your milk. Keep your head up big guy, you got a matchup against #11 up there. Win this week and you still have a chance 🙂
Cheers,
Commish