Week 6 is here! Let’s get to the rankings!
*Spanish Translation for Gio and Jake: ¡Ya llegó la semana 6! ¡Comencemos con la clasificación!
1. Lemme See Your Pitts – Jake Odenweller
Record: 4-1 / PF: 685 / Mickey Meter: 5 out of 10
Rinse and Repeat for Jacob, still sitting at the top of the block and still scoring a ton of points every week. He lost Omarion Hampton to the IR this week which could be a substantial blow, but if his WRs continue to carry the load and Pollard/Gainwell/Mason can chip in decent games, he shouldn’t be worried too much. Darren Waller seems to be like, good at football again? Quite possibly the weirdest development of the NFL season so far, but if it works it works.
2. Buck-ee’s – Quin Davis
Record: 4-1 / PF: 631 / Mickey Meter: 4.2 out of 10
3. Catching Cases, Not Passes – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 3-2 / PF: 592 / Mickey Meter: 1 out of 10
I’m fucking gay for Emeka Egbuka. I don’t own him, Gio does, but man I wish I did. Coming off a nice wasting of Reed, Gio is sitting at 3-2 coming into this week and his team shows no signs of slowing down. Gibbs, Breece, and Javonte is a deadly 3 headed beast. Pair them with Egbuka and a Marv who might be back, and this team is looking nicey. This is around the part of the season where Gio could start to fall apart in past years, but I really think this is the best team he’s ever had, and could maybe even go all the way.
4. 1st Down Syndrome – Lance Taylor
Record: 3-2 / PF: 551 / Mickey Meter: 0 out of 10
I’m pretty impressed with Sir Lancelot, and it’s time to give him some flowers. This guy has battled a multitude of early injuries and is still sitting at 3-2, having just taken down formerly ranked #2 overall Andrew. If he doesn’t sustain anymore injuries, which is a big if, I think Lance could find himself having a career year. Lance has us all right where he wants us, skipping over his team while he lurks in the shadows ready to pounce. Keep up the good work my friend.
5. Quantitative – Andrew Arney
Record: 3-2 / PF: 587 / Mickey Meter: 7.5 out of 10
Andrew hit a bump in the road last week as he feel to Lancelot after a pretty disappointing performance from the Quants. Luckily for him, he finds himself in the cake walk NFC rather than the death trap AFC, and is still atop the standings in his conference. 3-2 is solid, it’s a good place to be, but man this guy needs to start scoring some more points. But honestly, who the fuck am I to say that? Andrew handed me my only L of the year so far. Really all I can say is “thank you daddy” and “may I have some more daddy.” Not quite sure what this Mickey Mouse team will do next but I’m sure it’ll be exciting.
6. Charlie’s Team – Drake Olson
Record: 3-2 / PF: 534 / Mickey Meter: 8.8 out of 10
Holy Mickey alert. Yeah you’re 3-2 Drake nice job, but guess how many teams you’ve outscored this year? One. Dave. By 60 points. I will give you some kudos though, I’m not here to dance on your grave by any means. This is probably the most put together team you’ve had in years, as you currently have 3 solid RB options, and 4 solid WR options, to go along with 2 QBs and a serviceable Travis Kelce! With a matchup against Dave this week, Drake could be staring down the barrel of a 4-2 start. OR, the flip side, Dave could pull off the upset and a 3-3 Drake could spiral into oblivion.
7. Nabers Dead – Matthew Sherrick
Record: 2-3 / PF: 623 / Mickey Meter: 1.5 out of 10
Are we witnessing the downfall of an empire? I’m still not completely sure, but it’s been a great start to the year for any #SherrickHaters out there in the world. After a heartbreaking loss last week we get to see how Sherrick will respond with a matchup against KNOWN #SherrickHater Andrew. Reports flowing in are citing that Andrew is already claiming a “Mickey Week” from Sherrick as Kamara and Zay have missed practice all week, but if I’m Sherrick I don’t give a fuck. A win is a win, and some are calling this a MUST WIN week for the 2 time champ.
8. Saquon Deez Nuts – Evan Tooley
Record: 2-3 / PF: 603 / Mickey Meter: 2ish out of 10
Evan lost to Drake last week and he for sure doesn’t want to kill himself. But when one door closes, another opens, and Evan has a MASSIVE bounce back spot this week against highly touted Jacob Odenweller. Oddsmakers actually kinda like his chances this week, but it starts with some Thursday Night Football bangers as Saquon, Skattebo, Goedert, and Hurts are all in play between Evan and Jake. Likely going another week without Lamar and Evans hurts, and this squad will need those guys back sooner than later if they hope to avoid a hole that they can’t climb out of.
9. Addison HenRae – Reed Pike
Record: 2-3 / PF: 579 / Mickey Meter: 3.14159 out of 10
BREAKING NEWS: Reed Pike, manager of Addison HenRae, was recently quoted saying
“Bro who tf am I kidding I have Derrick Henry the best running back in the history of the league and Chase Brown who’s about to be the beneficiary of a Joe Flacco led offense…I won this league at the draft. THEY’RE MY GUYS AGAIN! YOU HEARD IT HERE! MY GUYS ARE COMING TO PLAY!”
All I can say is WOW!
10. CHASE’N TAIL – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 2-3 / PF: 556 / Mickey Meter: Don’t care enough to research
Dillon’s team came alive last week and scored 141 points, and as a reward, he moves up 1 spot from 11 to 10. There’s an argument to be made that this team should be a few spots higher. When you look at the roster you see some REALLY nice pieces, but they have had trouble putting all the pieces together so far. If they can start to click though, Dillon can still shoot up the leaderboard. It starts this week with a matchup against Reed – truly a must win for both of these squads. Predictions are flowing in that the winner of this week’s matchup between Reed and Dillon will make it to the playoffs, while the loser will finish in the basement of the league.
11. Creatine Caucasians – Jared Reiss
Record: 1-4 / PF: 536 / Mickey Meter: -2 out of 10
The analysts honestly feel bad for JR. On paper, this team should be so much better. But as we have all come to know, the game is played on grass.
12. Scary Tiddas – Dave Carney
Record: 1-4 / PF: 476 / Mickey Meter: N/A
C’mon Dave, you have Drake fucking SHAKING in his boots. Get that win, get to 2-4, climb out of the basement. It’s your time.
Cheers to Week 6 – Commish