Pictured Above: James Conner dying (owned by Drake Olson)
Pictured Above: CeeDee Lamb dying (owned by Drake Olson)
LET’S GET INTO THIS WEEK’S RANKINGS! All I have to say is…WOW
1. Lemme See Your Pitts – Jake Odenweller
Record: 2-1 / PF: 385 / Sexuality: Fluid
Thanks to two major injuries (Aaron Jones: Old / Najee Harris: Exploding Leg) Jake’s team is trending up in a major way. Omarion Hampton is a clear RB1 moving forward, and the Jordan Mason experience has begun in Minnesota. Puka and Amon are WR1 and WR2 on the season, Jalen Hurts is QB5, and there are a ton of flex options for this team between Waddle, Pearsall, Diggs, Pollard, and Godwin. This team looks scary right now, but as Drake likes to point out, Jake has an asterisk championship and doesn’t touch grass, let’s not lose sight of that.
2. Jackin Goff to Nabers Wife – Matthew Sherrick
Record: 2-1 / PF: 413 / Handicap: Severe Autism
Our defending champion (and true non-grass toucher) is starting to get hot. Jonathon Taylor might just all the way back, Njiggy Niggy is a top 5 WR, and David Montgomery might be the Lions RB1. Malik Nabers was going to kill somebody if there wasn’t a QB change in New York, and the move to Dart could boost his potential even more. Kraft is sick, Andrews might be sick, and there are some nice bench stashes on this team with Ollie and Marks. Sherrick could be an injury or two away from being a run away favorite or in big trouble, but for now he’ll continue to lock himself in his closet for 9 hours a day and craft a winning a team.
3. Quantitative – Andrew Arney
Record: 2-1 / PF: 353 / Beers Consumed since January 1st: 0
Does being sober make you better at Fantasy Football? There might be a correlation here. Andrew’s team is on the rise and it’s being lead by James Cook, the most underrated RB in the league. Nico and AJ came alive last week, and Jake Ferguson could be TE1 during CeeDee’s hiatus. There’s room to be worried about Kamara and Zay, and AJ Brown when the script isn’t in his favor, but as a whole this team looks very complete. I know that Andrew is slow jerking it to the thought of having Aiyuk and Rice (criminal) back on the field, and when they are back this team could be ready to #DefendAndDefeat
4. CHASE’N TAIL – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 1-2 / PF: 333 / Beard: Lucious
This team is deeper than Jake when he links up with Dillon’s mom. 2 solid RB’s, 5 solid WR’s, 2 solid TE’s, and the Bake Show leading the helm. Ja’marr Chase hasn’t quite lived up the first overall pick, and I’m not sure he will given the current QB situation, but Dillon has pieces around him that are able to contribute week in and week out. Devante and Keenan are turning back the clock, Jaylen Warren is a true bell-cow, and Achane catches 10 dump offs a game. On paper, Dillon should be better than 1-2, and I think he will continue to get more consistent as the season goes on. An RB injury could spell disaster for this squad, but we can’t predict injuries. Just like we can’t predict when Dillon will get some wet. Just gotta wait and see what happens!
5. Catching Cases, Not Passes – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 2-1 / PF: 335 / Packs Opened in FC26: 680
God I love this team, feels a little low putting him at 5, but he was a pube hair away from being 1-2 and the analysts are very worried about the trajectory of Tyreek Hill and Marvin Harrison. Aside from that, Jahmyr Gibbs is starting to become Jahmyr Gibbs, Justin Herbert is an MVP favorite, Egbuka is a Rookie of the Year favorite, and Breece Hall is a steaming pile of shit. It’s scary to think about this team being 2-1 and Brock Bowers has lowkey kinda sucked so far, if that turns around it’ll provide a massive boost to an already good team. The worry for Gio has to be his bench depth, but there are some nice pieces that could play a roll if some injuries occur. No one quite knows why Marvin Harrison Jr. sucks so fucking much, but if he can start playing football it’ll add another key piece to this already solid team. Herbert vs the Giants or Love vs the Cowboys? A Week 4 decision that could decide if this team is 3-1 or 2-2.
6. Buck-ee’s – Quin Davis
Record: 2-1 / PF: 347 / First Love: This League
Talk about a fucking dumpster fire of a WR room – Higgins? Ridley? Coleman? Kirk? Makes me want to throw up in my mouth. On the contrary, the RB room is looking pretty tasty now that Treveyon Henderson and Bhayshul Tuten are both RB1’s, and both available for trade by the way! I think there’s a rocky road ahead for this squad, potentially a losing streak in sight, but I am nothing if I’m not a Commissioner first, league participant second.
7. Addison HenRae – Ride Pike
Record: 2-1 / PF: 342 / Trade Offers Proposed That Involve Chase Brown: 14
DERRICK HENRY IS DECLINING! CHASE BROWN SUCKS! QUENTIN JOHNSTON WILL FALL OFF! GARRETT WILSON IS ON THE JETS! Shhhhhhhh, don’t let the voices get to you Reed, you’re 2-1 and haven’t completely turned your attention to Fantasy Basketball yet, keep the ship steady! This team has pieces, and it has other pieces, not sure if any of them are great, but they are all pieces. Addison coming back is awesome (I forgot he existed) and Matthew Golden WILL pan out. Not to mention Purdy and Kittle will be teaming up again shortly. There’s a lot to like about this team, you have no reason to panic sell right now my good friend. Just ride the wave!
8. Mail Order McBrides – Jared Reiss
Record: 1-2 / PF: 312 / BTJ Hatred Meter: 9/10
POSSIBLE MASSIVE JUMP IN THE RANKINGS ALERT! JR comes in at 8 this week, but he wins the award for highest jump possible in next weeks ranking depending on how this week goes. Dobbins has looked awesome, Chubba is consistent, and there’s a new Sherriff in town in the form of TREY BENSON! One man’s pain (Drake – Known James Conner owner) is another man’s happiness (JR – Guy that owns Trey Benson). The QB room is a headache but both options are fine, and Trey McBride is a set it and forget it 13 point floor. Now – let’s talk WR. Boy oh boy, it’s the year of Rome Odunze. This guy is looking like the steal of the draft early on, and appears that his chemistry (gay) with Caleb Williams will continue all year long. On the other hand, Jettas has been mid. He won’t be mid all year, but will he be the Jettas we came to know and love? Not sure. And Brian Thomas Jr.? He’s almost droppable at this point. In fact, JR SHOULD drop BTJ. He should drop him like, tonight. You don’t need him man, he for sure won’t turn it around and be a Top 10 WR. Drop that guy!
9. 1st Down Syndrome – Lance Taylor
Record: 2-1 / PF: 324 / Players Injured: 8
I’m going to be completely honest here. I had no idea Lance was 2-1. I kinda just skipped over his team until I got down to this section of the rankings, and couldn’t believe it when I saw a winning record next to his name. For that Lance, I apologize. Is this going to be the year where Lance quietly slits all of our throats in our sleep and takes the league by storm??? No. But it just might be the year where he’s not 2-8 through 10 weeks. JA, BRob, Kyren. Those are your work horses and the engine that makes this team go. I still believe in Kenneth Walker to be the guy, maybe even more than his own coaching staff believes that, and if he is that guy then you’ll be looking great at RB and Flex the rest of the year. Worthy back in the lineup is a nice boost, but WR production could be as bad as mine on any given week. Great job on 2-1 my friend, if you go 3-1 we might have to declare a state of emergency.
10. Saquon Deez Nuts – Evan Tooley
Record: 1-2 / PF: 332 / Tattoos: 45?
Evan lost in a brutal fashion last week, as Lamar had TWO chances to get a successful 2-point conversion which would’ve won the matchup for Evan against Gio. To add injury to insult, he lost Mike Evans for an extended period of time. Still though, this team could go from 1-2 to 5-2 in the blink of an eye. Evan gained TWO starting RB’s last week in Skattebo and Judkins, both of which look like they could be permanent lineup locks in the coming weeks. If Drake London stops sucking so much ass, and Saquon starts playing just a tiny bit more like last year, a win streak of epic proportion could be right in front of Evan’s smug little face. Evan has 2 Commanders in the lineup this week which I love to see, but be careful man, you’re slowly going down the Dave path.
11. Charlie’s Team – Drake Olson
Record: 1-2 / PF: 290 / Girls Bagged in 2025: 53
This team could be really fucking bad in a few weeks, but I’ll give Drake some slack for losing Conner and CeeDee in the same week. CeeDee will be back, just don’t know when, but Conner is dead which sucks. Jeanty is trending down, Etienne is trending down, Kelce is trending down, Ladd is trending down, Kyler is trending down, but hey, Olave and Caleb are trending up! Just keep putting in the work Drake – I know good things are coming your way my man.
12. Scary Tiddas – Dave Carney
Record: 0-3 / PF: 273 / Times I’ve Seen Him Since He and Gio Started Beefing: 0
I’m sorry Dave, but you’re officially on 0-14 watch. Don’t let it happen.