After an offseason filled with controversy, we’re back and better than ever! Week 1 filled our holes with points, and we already have a handful of players on the IR. It’s way too early to tell who the top dogs of the league might be, but it seems like it could be anyone’s (kinda) year. Time for some rankings:
1. Life Begins at Concepcion – Reed Pike
Record: 1-0 / PF: 149.66 / W2 Matchup: Dave Carney
The analysts were considering putting the Commish in this spot, but ultimately they decided that Reed earned his keep for the top spot after Week 1. Reed had 2 of the top 5 scorers last week, with Josh Allen coming in at 35.7 and Jahmyr Gibbs racking up 34.6. The Allen to Moore connection could be lethal this season, and Dallas Goedert looks like he might put up another double digit touchdown season. This team is DEEP at TE with Kincaid on the bench, and league winner Gunnar Helm waiting to break out. A lot of nice pieces could be used to beef up the RB department, maybe the only weak position group on this squad. Next up for Reed is a battle with Dave, where Reed has been given a 54% win probability.
2. Herb Your Enthusiasm – Quin Davis
Record: 1-0 / PF: 156 / W2 Matchup: Jake Odenweller
BAD GUY! BAD GUY! BAD GUY!
3. Smack ’em and Sack em’ – Lance Taylor
Record: 1-0 / PF: 149.62 / W2 Matchup: Evan Tooley
Lance won his first matchup by SEVENTY SIX (76) points, a truly dominant start to the season. He also currently sits with a 70% chance to make the playoffs, highest in the league. A healthy Breece and Jeanty might be the best RB tandem in the league, and a WR core of JSN, Flowers, and breakout candidate Christian Watson should be solid all year long. Maye should have better days ahead, and Tyler Warren is an every week starter. Health with be the biggest question for this team, as seems the case every year for a Lance Taylor managed squad.
4. Dak Lives Matter – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 1-0 / PF: 140 / W2 Matchup: Drake Olson
What a rocky start to the year for Gio – Brock Bowers knee surgery and AJ Brown IR visit before he could even blink. Things were looking bad on paper, but THE FUCKING GAME AIN’T PLAYED ON PAPER BABY! In steps a 32 burger from Swift, a 31 burger from Bijan, and a 20 burger from Parker Washington. Gio was able to take care of Dave despite a big day from Derrick Henry, and it looks like Bowers could be back on the field as early as this Sunday. Gio always has a good team, it’s about staying consistent throughout the year. Tet McMillan is a headache and he’ll need to survive 4-6 weeks of no AJ Brown, but a bellcow role for Aaron Jones came at just the right time to help hold down the flex spot for this squad. He’ll take on known retard and biggest rival, Drake Olson, in Week 2.
5. Four Guys Burgers and Fries – Jared Reiss
Record: 1-0 / PF: 121 / W2 Matchup: Andrew Arney
This one was tough for the analysts. On one end, JR is 1-0 and had a good showing in Week 1. On the other, there was a lot to be desired from players such as Jayden Daniels, James Cook, George Kittle, and Luther Burden. What we do know is that this team is deep, a solid bench and a balanced starting lineup has JR looking like he might actually try to get back on the trophy for the 3rd time. Ladd has 14 broken ribs thanks to a hospital ball from Herbert, and Olave is ALREADY fucking hurt. Chase Brown is the unquestioned leader of this squad, and Cook will have monster games as always. High upside players like Brooks, Johnston, Wandale, Wicks, and Charbonnet should have JR feeling nice about where he’s at.
6. Griddy Griddy Bang Bang – Preston Karr
Record: 1-0 / PF: 118 / W2 Matchup: Dillon Reisinger
The new kid on the block! Out with the old and gay (Sherrick) and in with the new. Preston picked up a win in Week 1 against a seasoned veteran and past champion, showing the league that he means business. He’s got two great QB’s in Jalen Hurts and Caleb Williams, a nice problem to have. Jettas looks like he means business this year, Hampton should carry the load for the Chargers, and Garrett Wilson should be a target hog all season. The bench for this team is a bit thin, and Marvin Harrison just fucking sucks. There are some nice trade pieces here to bolster up some holes, but all-in-all it was a great start for the newbie.
7. Charlie’s Jacksoffs – Drake Olson
Record: 0-1 / PF: 126 / W2 Matchup: Giovanni Franzese
This team could be ranked higher, and most likely will be in the near future. After 5-6 years of bottom .500 finishes, Drake hired a new GM to help turn things around. Even though he started the year with a loss, this might be the best team Drake has had since his legendary 16-1 squad. Javonte, Etienne, and Montgomery? Best RB room he’s ever had. Jamar and Future HOFer Mike Evans? Solid. Jalen Coker and Kaelon Black? Great upside picks that could be potential league winners. Round that all out with Lamar Jackson and his ability to be a fast black man and this team is cooking. With all that being said, Kyle Pitts is typically the kiss of death. We’ll see if he can overcome the headache that ensues.
8. Rice to Remain Silent – Jake Odenweller
Record: 0-1 / PF: 107 / W2 Matchup: Quin Davis
Jake, known Benjamin Netanyahu supporter, started the season with an uncharacteristically low scoring week, resulting in a loss. So he’s 0-1, big fucking deal. The season isn’t won in the first week. If Bucky can actually play football this year, him and CMAC should be sick. The Mahomes to Criminal connection should be great for as long as Rashee stays out of jail, and Trey McBride is basically a WR1. There will be some weekly decisions in the flex spot for this team, and Terry could potentially be WR3 on his own team. Jake busted a nut on the waiver wire, spending $50 and declaring Caleb Douglas as this years league winner. Let’s sit back and watch this team thrive, or crumble.
9. Hakuna Nacua – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 0-1 / PF: 114 / W2 Matchup: Preston Karr
Reigning CHAMPION, Dillon Reisinger. That has a nice ring to it. Unfortunately, the championship hangover was real as Dillon got fucking milked in Week 1. Colston Loveland made a case for being on Dillon’s list, putting up 0 fantasy points while his team scored 59 real life points. It’s no time to panic though, this team has some serious firepower with Jew Hater Puka leading the way. Trevor, Kyren, Loveland, Tuten, and Monangai are really nice complementary pieces as well. DK Massive-Calves and Rico Dowdle are the X-Factor’s for this squad, if they are able to carve out large roles on the Steelers, Dillon could be fighting to get on the trophy for a 3rd time (yes, he’s actually on there twice I can’t believe it either).
10. Dave’s Washington Commandeses – Dave Carney
Record: 0-1 / PF: 104 / W2 Matchup: Reed Pike
Don’t let the name fool you, this team has ZERO Washington Commanders, but it’s just too damn good to change. Dave had a tough draw in Week 1, playing one of the higher scorers in the league. This team doesn’t look bad if you take a closer look. Derrick Henry is a god damn cyborg and once again will be leading the way for Dave. CTE Skattebo seems to be back, and the duo of Lamb/Williams could go for 60 points on any given week. Tucker Kraft is a solid TE and Dave also has two QBs that could both finish inside the Top 8. He needs someone to step up and become an every week flex play, and that could certainly happen with the likes of Pierce, Gainwell, Shaheed, and Mitchell. As always, I BELIEVE IN THIS TEAM.
11. GET ON ALL 4’S AND BARK – Evan Tooley
Record: 0-1 / PF: 76 / W2 Matchup: Lance Taylor
Brutal start to the season for Evan (and his longtime shadow GM). 76 points is bad, but shockingly it wasn’t the worst! However, this is just another team where I think it was a down week rather than a dogshit lineup. Saquon will bounce back, Achane will catch more passes, Davante will get in the endzone, Egbuka will have better games. Jaxson Dart is a serious QB1 as long as he’s alive, and if Travis Kelce can get 10 points a week, that’s all this team needs. Between Addison, Downs, Shakir, and Tate, the WR depth is great. It also looks like Chuba Hubbard is the clear RB1 in Carolina which could prove to be a massive spark for this squad. Evan will be back to his winning ways soon enough.
12. Bust Down AP – Andrew Arney
Record: 0-1 / PF: 73 / W2 Matchup: Jared Reiss
Alabama boy (the white part) showed that not everything in life is rainbows and butterflies. Just chalk this one up to some bad beats Ders. Kyler died, Waddle sucked cock, London didn’t have a QB, and Nabers was getting back into the swing of it. As Andrew has let us all know, this team isn’t playing for September, it’s playing for January when Jacobs and Tyreek are back on the field and the fantasy season has already ended. As the defending runner-up, I know this kid has a few tricks up his sleeve. It’s too early to freak out – even with Daniel Jones already in your lineup.
Cheers,
Commish