Many of us may feel like Tyrone Biggums after Week 1 – I know for a FACT Jacob Odenweller can relate to Mr. Biggums. But not to fear, I’m sure everyone will be fine 🙂 Let’s dive into this weeks power rankings:
1. Catching Cases, Not Passes – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 1-0 / W2 Projection: 124 / W2 Matchup: Jackin Goff to Nabers Wife (Matt Sherrick)
I HAD TO DO IT! I HAD TO PUT GIO IN THE ONE SPOT!
Did he score the most points in Week 1? No. But you know what he did do? Get a win to start the year against his rival Dave. Emeka Egbuka is who we thought he was, a dog. Marv is poised to breakout, Breece could be back, Javonte IS back?!? And the addition of Herbert (300 yards and 3 TDs) could be the missing piece. Could Tyreek Hill be an issue all season for both Gio and any woman who birthed a child of his? Yes. But the upside is still there. An injury to Brock isn’t the greatest news, but it appears he avoided something major and could possibly even suit up this week. This team will still go as Jahmyr Gibbs goes, but Gio has more depth this year than any before. Well done sir.
2. Buck-ee’s – Quin Davis
Record: 1-0 / W2 Projection: 124 / W2 Matchup: Scarry Tiddas (Dave Carney)
The analysts love the trajectory of this squad with a healthy CMC driving the boat. ‘Nuff said. GG’s Jake.
3. #WinForCharlie- Drake Olson
Record: 1-0 / W2 Projection: 125 / W2 Matchup: Mail Order McBrides (Jared Reiss)
What’s crazier: Charlie Kirk getting assassinated, or Drake and Gio both inside the top 3 of the rankings this week? After escaping with a win last week against Andrew, Drake is looking to build momentum. Etienne and Sampson are looking like potential steals at RB (I’m certain multiple people have already inquired about a trade for both players) and his starting lineup is looking pretty damn solid. I still have some questions around how consistent Kyler and Kelce will be, but there’s no reason to believe that Drake won’t compete every week….for now.
4. Addison HenRae – Reed Pike
Record: 1-0 / W2 Projection: 116 / W2 Matchup: Lemme See Your Pitts (Jake Odenweller)
Someone pour this man a celebratory Baja Blast stat! Reed got his fucking guys this year, and they performed for him last week as he took down the back to back champ. Derrick Henry is a cheat code and can singlehandedly carry this team, and with Chase Brown right behind him that might be the scariest 1-2 punch in the league. If Garrett Wilson actually has a QB that can get him the ball, watch out. George Pickens is still a complete unknown, and George Kittle (2 George’s on the same team?) is already on the IR 😦 Oh look, Purdy is also injured! But Reed, the big brain that he is, has very serviceable backups at both QB and TE which should help fill the injury gap. $27 on Quentin Johnston is exactly the kind of irresponsible transaction that our parents warn us not to make when we grow up, but maybe there’s something in the air this year with these historically mid WRs.
5. Saquon Deez Nuts – Evan Tooley
Record: 1-0 / W2 Projection: 121 / W2 Matchup: Quantitative (Andrew Arney)
Evan drafted his own team this year, and honestly, it’s not complete shit. He started the year with a win against Dillon (not super impressive) and was led by the duo of Lamar x Saquon. With those two, anything is possible, and if Swift can catch 10 dump offs a game from the steaming pile of shit that is Caleb Williams, he could have a nice stack at RB. London and Evans should hold down the fort at WR, and I love the upside of Deebo and Hollywood on the bench. No one really knows how much Trav will contribute in fantasy this year, and Goedert at TE is one of those, “fuck it, hope he gets me 8 points” kinda guys. Fire up the grill pal, and crack open a domestic, congrats on being undefeated through one week!
6. Quantitative – Andrew Arney
Record: 0-1 / W2 Projection: 119 / W2 Matchup: Saquon Deez Nuts (Evan Tooley)
I’m doing it, I’m putting a losing team in the top 6 this week. Why you might ask? Because I believe in this team and the front office. Andrew almost had a miracle comeback last week powered by James Cook and Zay Flowers, but Cook got tackled at the 1 yard line and broke his heart. We all know that AJ Brown and Nico Collins will combine for more than 11 points going forward, and Kamara is the only human worth a shit on the Saints and should be spoon fed the football. If Zay is for real (he’s probably not he tricks us all every year) this lineup can pop off. As a fellow Justin Fields truther, I think Andrew has his QB as well. All I have to say is WOW! Stay tuned.
7. Lemme See Your Pitts – Jake Odenweller
Record: 0-1 / W2 Projection: 125 / W2 Matchup: Addison HenRae (Reed Pike)
“Real teams 0-1 right now, we prefer to get it out the mud.” Truer words have never been spoken, especially when it fits your narrative. Jake may have lost the Damar Hamlin Revenge match, but seasons aren’t won or lost in week one. Jalen Hurts is a god awful QB, but my god are those legs a weapon for fantasy football. Puka has a strong chance at finishing as WR1 this year if he can stay healthy (he can’t) and Amon Ra will get his. Slick Rick Pearsall is a high upside player, and Kyle Pitts might actually be involved in the offense this year. Hampton and Pollard both appear to be the bell cows – but it remains to be seen how productive they will be. There’s clear reason to panic when you look at this RB room, but Jake will aim to fix that in the next 2-3 weeks. If there’s one thing I know, it’s that Jake will have this team turned around and ready to perform in week 2.
8. 1st Down Syndrome – Lance Taylor
Record: 1-0 / W2 Projection: 117 / W2 Matchup: CHASE’N TAIL (Dillon Reisinger)
I couldn’t let a 1-0 team slip any further than the 8 spot. I’ll be honest Lance – the beat writers did you dirty this week. Our preseason #1 ranked team WON last week, and subsequently fell 7 spots. Doesn’t seem right at all…..or does it? Josh Allen – Bijan Robinson – Kyren Williams. AMAZING TOP 3 PLAYERS. After that? Dogshit. Worthy? Hurt. Engram? Hurt. Kenneth Walker? RB2 on his own team. Pacheco? Bad. Starting WRs? Jerry Jeudy, Wan’dale Robinson, and Jayden Reed. Gross, Gross, GROSS. There are going to be good days and very bad days for this team, but Lance started this season out with a win, and he’s already only two wins away from tying his season total from last year. Celebrate the small things!
9. Jackin Goff to Nabers Wife – Matthew Sherrick
Record: 0-1 / W2 Projection: 120 / W2 Matchup: Catching Cases, Not Passes (Giovanni Franzese)
Well, well, well….it’s Wednesday and Sherrick is still alive, which means all those “I’m going to kill myself,” texts from last week didn’t come to fruition. Sherrick isn’t worried, he knows it’s a long season, and when he takes a look at the trophy that’s been in his apartment for 2 years, his nerves are calmed. I will say that this team doesn’t quite have the spark of previous years, but it’s still not a team that you can discount. JD5 will get his, JSN is the clear #1 in Seattle, Jonathan Taylor won’t get vultured by Daniel Jones all year (I think), and Malik Nabers HAS to catch more passes once Jaxson Dart takes over. I’m worried about Devonta Smith and David Montgomery as they are both massive regression candidates this year, and this bench is nothing to write home about. Sherrick needs one of his deep sleepers to gain some momentum, and as they have in years past, I’m sure it’ll happen. If he starts out 0-2 however, there’s no promises that he’ll be around to read the week 3 article, and JerkMate Ranked will lose their number one customer.
10. CHASE’N TAIL – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 0-1 / W2 Projection: 126 / W2 Matchup: 1st Down Syndrome (Lance Taylor)
Dillon comes into Week 2 with the highest projected point total in the league – but it’s all hoopla and tummysticks until the squad backs those numbers up. On paper, this team should be the best Dillon has had in years. Achane, Chase, Adams, and Baker could all go for 30 on any given day. Jaylen Warren (props to Dillon for the pick) seems to be the unquestioned RB1 for the Steelers. And there are a lot of Flex options for this squad between Meyers, Keenan, and Jennings. I don’t think Dillon will be winless for much longer after his dogs decide to start barking. This guy is commuting from Denver to Boulder for his job, the least his team could do is provide a tiny ounce of happiness for the kid. We are all #TeamDillon
11. Mail Order McBrides – Jared Reiss
Record: 0-1 / W2 Projection: 124 / W2 Matchup: #WinForCharlie (Drake Olson)
Some people are saying that JR got jew’d last week after an all-time performance from Josh Allen. I’m not one of those people, but some people are saying that. BTJ and Jettas is still my favorite WR duo in the league, Chuba will be the go-to guy in a terrible offense, and Trey McBride has the safest floor of any TE in the NFL. No one likes having to rely on a Chicago Bear to score you points, and JR is in a position where he’s choosing between TWO Chicago Bears for his flex every week. If the Broncos offense picks it up (please god let them pick it up) JR will get a nice boost at the QB position and hopefully at the RB position with JK Dobbins, until he goes out for the year. Trey Benson and Braelon Allen are extremely solid bench stashes, and when their numbers get called, it could propel this team up the rankings.
12. Scary Tiddas – Dave Carney
Record: 0-1 / W2 Projection: 113 / W2 Matchup: Buck-ee’s (Quin Davis)
The analysts are setting me up for a massive “suck my dick, bitch” moment from Dave this week, as him and I will battle it out in Week 2. The early favorite for doormat of the league, Dave comes into this week at 0-1 but is due for a bounce back. Burrow, Jamo, Scary Terry, and DK are all due for a bigger week, and “Bill” Croskey-Merritt might take the Commanders RB job by the balls. Here’s a fun stat for you: Dave has FIVE Commanders on his team….how could I root against this guy? I guess he took the Parsons trade pretty hard and decided to build his entire team around a division rival of the Cowboys. This team could eat this week with some of the matchups they all have, but as of right now you’ve earned the 12 spot in the rankings. Miss you buddy! (I’m not obsessed with you I swear).
Cheers!
-Commish
