Carson Wentz, Drew Lock, Shedeur Sanders, Joe Milton, Gardner Minshew, and JOSEPH FAGnano! What a world we live in – let’s get right to it:
1. Smack ’em and Sack ’em – Lance Taylor
Record: 7-1 / Playoff Chances: 99% / Projected Seed: 1
RINSE AND REPEAT FOR LANCELOT! He’s won 4 in a row, his team is humming, and just when things looked bleak for Zay Flowers – here comes Jacoby Brissett to save the day. I promise there aren’t a lot of 7-1 teams out there that have Drake Maye (slow start), Ashton Jeanty (ASS), and Breece Hall (dead) on the same roster. Lance continues to find a way.
2. Dak Lives Matter – Giovanni Franzese
Record: 6-2 / Playoff Chances: 95% / Projected Seed: 3
GAME OF THE WEEK ALERT
Gio has won 2 in a row and is coming off a win against the commish. D’Andre Swift is working his way into the steal of the draft conversation, and even though Saquon can’t sit down without hurting his back, he’s providing a very nice floor for this team. Bijan has cooled off, but the greatest player in the history of the NFL Brock Bowers seems to always be willing to pick up the slack. Gio is scratching on the door of taking over the division and dropping an extremely hard R in the process.
3. Life Begins at Concepcion – Reed Pike
Record: 5-3 / Playoff Chances: 84% / Projected Seed: 4
Reed did the entire league a huge favor by beating Evan (his GM, not actually Evan) last week. This kid has also been active on the trade block and made a move to acquire a solid RB2 in Rhamondre Stevenson to help reinforce the flanks. He’s also handsome, funny, and can make a mean cocktail. He owns a few cats too! Sports.
4. Shough My Caulk – Quin Davis
Rome Odunze is on the block.
5. Four Guys Burgers and Fries – Jared Reiss
Record: 5-2 / Playoff Chances: 79% / Projected Seed: 5
JR got a nice charity dub last week against the league punching bag, and he sits right atop the crowded AFC standings. I remember one time in college when JR told a group of minorities and LGBTQ members that their lives didn’t matter as much as his, that was pretty insane but you have to respect the nuts on this kid. We’ll see how that translates into his week of fantasy football.
6. Rice to Remain Silent – Jake Odenweller
Record: 3-5 / Playoff Chances: 26% / Projected Seed: Unranked
GAME OF THE WEEK ALERT
According to Jake, he’s back. To be honest, he may not be wrong. Sure this team is on the outside looking in, but the roster is still playoff worthy. Warren and McCaffrey are pretty much the same player at this point, Rice to Remain Silent is playing good football again, and he has a white QB at the helm (which is always a good thing). Some solid WR depth and the rise of Blake Corum has this squad humming! If Jake starts winning again he might have to buy a new couch after all the hours he’s going to put in sitting in his favorite spot and watching 12 straight hours of football.
7. Hakuna Nacua – Dillon Reisinger
Record: 3-5 / Playoff Chances: 19% / Projected Seed: Unranked
We didn’t talk enough about this win last week! What a win for the league’s first THIRTY year old! Yay Dillon!
8. Dave’s Washington Commandeses – Dave Carney
Record: 4-4 / Playoff Chances: 54% / Projected Seed: 6
Some people are saying this is a disrespectful ranking for Dave, while others are saying that it isn’t low enough. I don’t think anyone else has jumped around the rankings more than Dave – it’s just a hard team to pin down. Any given week he can turn in a 60 point performance or a 140 point performance, you just never know what you might get. Maybe the missing piece for this team was non other than Brandon Aiyuk.
9. #qdaddywho – Evan Tooley
Record: 3-5 / Playoff Chances: 16% / Projected Seed: Unranked
The Shadow GM had me worried for a second – a 4th straight win would’ve been a nuke drop. Even in a losing effort Evan still had some chirps for the league and previous trades he’s made! This team has great RBs, and then 14 of the same exact player. Finding the right combination every week might be hard to do, but there’s options for Evan (Shadow GM) to find a winning recipe and make a run for the playoffs.
10. Griddy Griddy Bang Bang – Preston Karr
Record: 3-5 / Playoff Chances: 25% / Projected Seed: Unranked
After a 3-1 start, Preston has now lost 4 games in a row. Jefferson and Wilson just can’t seem to get their shit together, and Omarion Hampton is basically in the fucking shadow realm at this point. I feel bad for some of the breaks this team has gotten this year in terms of players just being dogshit, but that’s baseball baby.
11. Bust Down AP – Andrew Arney
Record: 2-6 / Playoff Chances: 8% / Projected Seed: Unranked
I’ll go on record calling this the best 2-6 team I’ve ever seen. But alas, Andrew seems to be the league slump buster this year. KEEP FIGHTING! WHO’S GONNA CARRY THE BOATS! Hope Alabama is treating you well, I’m sure you’ve made a lot of friends that have opposing views to yours and different pigmentations.
12. Charlie’s Jacksoffs – Drake Olson
Record: 1-7 / Playoff Chances: 1% / Projected Seed: Unranked
Dead.
Cheers,
Commish